Restorative Relationships
We stood together as the waves crashed nearby and I snapped this picture. Each of us comes from different backgrounds, cultures and upbringings. We each face challenges unique from the other. What we do share in common is our desire to grow, heal, and move towards a life of purpose and hope.
One of the dangers I see in anti-human trafficking efforts is framing a victim/rescuer narrative. This takes place when we sensationalize our efforts to rescue and restore. Survivors are often willing to share their needs while those of the mentors and non profit leaders remain buried and unspoken. The best efforts to combat human trafficking take place within the context of trauma competent relationships. A trauma competent relationship is restorative because it is built on a foundational understanding our shared humanity - as a friend of mine, Deb Kluttz, director of the Homestead Ministry, so beautifully says,
“When we step towards
them we realize they are
a person, just like you and me.”
A trauma competent relationship is built on unconditional love and encompases the following values:
Vulnerability
Vulnerability is a heart posture of compassion towards our own journey and the journey of others. In relationship vulnerability says, I choose to invite you into my story. Building a restorative relationship requires courage. Courage is being honest with ourselves about our own stories of healing, awareness of our triggers, needs, and challenges that we face. This may include acknowledging when we need some space. It may require that we face our fear of confrontation and remain open in a heated moment, that we are honest with our own emotions (even disappointments) and process them in a healthy way so we can engage wholeheartedly. Vulnerability starts with our own heart work and overflows into how we engage when things heat up. Practically this looks like having trusted individuals we can go to and lean on when things get hard so we are able to engage with an open heart of compassion for our own stories and the stories of the survivors we know.
Empathy
We may not be able to say, “Yeah, me too” in response to the experiences survivors share with us but we can seek to understand the emotions of betrayal, hurt, and isolation they have faced. Empathy is an ability to connect with our own emotions as we reach out to understand the emotions of others. Empathy is far from blubbery emotion and sympathetic “Oh I’m so sorry that happened to you,” responses but an ability to hold space for the emotions of others. We are able to hold space for the emotions of others because we have learned to sit in our own discomfort. Empathy is a gift that has been cultivated through self-compassion- we have recognized and given space to value our own experiences and emotions. We may not agree with the choices, opinions, and life-style of the individual we care deeply for but empathy allows us to stop and take a moment to view life through their lens. Empathy extends both truth and grace. Empathy does not require that we lay our values at the door but that we offer compassion rather than judgement. Empathy is the building block for true healing and lasting change as it cultivates a safe space to be and grow.
Consistency
As we come alongside survivors of human trafficking or trauma of any kind, trust is built through healthy boundaries, especially how we model consistency in our lives. We need to be consistent in the boundaries we set for ourselves - what we say we will do and will not do. Often we find ourselves caught in a crisis cycle and meeting countless needs, then wonder why we are burnt out and fatigued. Consistency is about knowing our own limits and being strategic in what we commit to so we can remain healthy and offer our full selves both to the survivors we know as well as our closest relationships. Consistency also involves setting limits on what we will allow into our relationship such as open communication, room to fail, space to work through hard things, and what we will not allow i.e. no yelling, throwing, and cussing. Pre-decision is an essential part of consistency. We recognize that messing up, setbacks and relapse are a part of growth and deciding how we will respond rather than react when these occur will go a long way in building consistency.
Affirmation
It is incredibly important to cultivate a strength based approach by highlighting a survivor’s strengths even when these strengths may have included unhealthy coping strategies used to survive. Focusing on resilience, valuing their input, and celebrating accomplishments affirm self-worth. An affirming statement may be, “Hey, I noticed that instead of shutting down and refusing to talk, you chose to take a minute to calm down and then were willing to work through things. You are making progress!”
Having a trauma competent relationship model allows us to step towards survivors of human trafficking with an open heart. Without an understanding of trauma and how we will move forward when challenges arise, we will become shut down, burnt out, and perhaps even resentful and lose sight of our mission. Learning to cultivate vulnerability, engage with empathy, remain consistent, and affirm the dignity and value of the victims and survivors we know will propel us forward towards restorative relationships. The power of a restorative relationship is rooted in compassion for our own stories, and the stories of resilience in the survivors of human trafficking we know. So step close, snap that picture, and embrace the beauty of shared humanity and the need we each hold to heal and grow.
Copyright 2019 by Janie Ford
